Just because I don’t love you the way you want me to
Doesn’t mean I don’t love you....
I don’t call you everyday
Or surprise you with flowers,
I don’t always say things you want to hear
And sometimes tell you things you don’t want to know....
I don’t always put a smile on your face
Or like the same movies as you do,
Or laugh at your jokes
Or always pick up the phone.....
It's not because I don't want to
Or can't do it....
I do want to
But in my own way.....
I was given the Outer room. Well, it was just a drawing room but at night it used to become my bedroom. Couch was shifted to a corner and a folding bed was put in its place. I received the quilt, the cover was green, on the edges there was a little cotton coming out. I entered it without switching off the lights, and then watched the patches from where light was coming in, just to detect from where the cold air will enter in the night.
In the morning they wanted me to wake up a bit early, may be to re-make it again into the drawing room. Explicitly, they never said it, but Dinesh use to wake me up at 6am and ask for tea. I used to wake up instantly, and go to the toilet outside. All other members of the house used to go some toilet inside which I had never seen; may be for guests only outside toilet was used.
Suman never used to have tea with us. I don’t remember a single instance in last 11-12 years in which any of my friend’s wives have talked to me more than just asking for tea/coffee or salad. All my friends were getting fat year on year. Their kids used to look on me as an unusual guest, just because I was still single at Thirty Eight.
This time, I was at their home for 3 days. I used to tell this as soon as I arrive, so that they do not ask again and again about my health or work progress to know about my departure date. I used to be excited like a kid when I reached them. I thought they will meet me like we used to meet in college days, and talk about gals, drinks and politics till late at night. Now they used to talk with me only for few minutes after dinner, and that too while reading a newspaper so that any Awkward silence can be broken by some breaking news of some scandal.
This was my second morning in Dinesh’s home. Dinesh and Suman had 2 kids – Kanika: who was in tenth class, and Kanishk: who was in sixth. Suman was working in some PSU and Dinesh was the AGM in some private company. It was a normal morning in which I used to hurry up for a bath after having tea. Dinesh and Suman left together. Kanishk also left with them. Kanika’s preparation leave were starting from that day. Some friend of her was to come to study with her. Few minutes back I heard Suman strictly advising Kanika to study, and then she said something in her ears which I couldn’t listen.
The Three left the home leaving me behind like a chair/table. Sun was out and I saw that there were no spider-webs on the walls of that home. From an inside room (which I had never seen yet), I heard the sound of songs being played. May be Kanika had switched on the TV. As if I was a kid, I felt like watching TV too. I walked into that room; she was lying carelessly on the bed. TV was in front and remote was jumping from her one hand to another. It was a Kareena Kapoor Video and Kanika was so lost in the song that she realized my presence only when I sat on a corner of the bed. She got shocked as if a lizard fell on her. She sat up, moved a bit away and looked at me.
I smiled, she didn’t.
I started looking at the TV. She too, but now she was not sitting so carelessly. I asked her when her board exams are starting. She replied in a single word, “Twelfth”. There was nothing else to ask, so I just asked that when will her friend come? She frowned, replied nothing and looked back at the TV. I didn’t know that she was living in a new generation. I unknowingly scratched a bit near my knee, and she saw me doing that for a second with crossed eyes. I stopped. She switched off the TV and moved towards her study table.
“Kanika” – I just said casually but her speed increased – “Which subject are you studying today?”
She said nothing, picked up her books and walked to get out of the room. When she passed near me, I held her hand as I would have caught a kid. But the way of holding was not written in the touch. Touch is innocent or not, this is decided by the person being touched, not by the person touching. She got scared and wanted to get her hand free. I felt if my daughter would have been, she would be her age. I would have troubled her the same way.
I kept on smiling and holding her hand. I could see my daughter in her. Next movement, she screamed, “Mummy” or “Save me” or some similar word. And with the other hand she slapped me.
I left her hand. She ran outwards. While running she took out the mobile from her pocket and may be dialed some number on speed-dial. I kept on looking at her, amazed; she was running towards the main door without her slippers. I saw her telling something to a passing-by lady while pointing inwards. I didn’t cry.
